There is no truth whatsoever to the rumor that the American blabbermouth Edward Snowden is hiding out somewhere in Cul-de-Sac. Or ensconced in some out of the way bay with a boatful of strippers. Or for that matter in Bruceville, referred to by its Creole-loving residents as “The Mange,” as if indeed the area were still a swampy playground for disease-dispensing mosquitoes and other bugs.
Neither is Edward Snowden holing up in Venezuela, where all Americans are viewed as oil thirsty. The latest bulletin suggests the former contractor for the CIA and the National Security Agency is hoping to hook up with a gentleman considered “the real foreign affairs minister” of Saint Lucia, even though my sources say they know not where or what Saint Lucia is.
With their established connections to the government of Ecuador’s current most famous guest, my sources assured me those stories about Snowden having taken up permanent residence in a bunker near the resting place of the recently departed President Chavez were planted by Pussy lovers, by which they referred to the female punk group Pussy Riot, recently imprisoned in Russia for uttering unkind words in a cathedral about the country’s most beloved citizen.
Funny thing about Pussy: the Russian government views them as criminals. The Russian Orthodox Christian Church says they are heretics and blasphemers, while YouTubers consider them punk stars and out of this world phenomenal. Which is why it would come as no surprise if indeed it should turn out that the whole Edward Snowden business is just another Pussy-related fable. You know, like soopap?
But then the UK Guardian and all those other respected news outlets worldwide wouldn’t play along, would they? Just to keep Pussy happy? Nah! Anyway, even as I write I am being assured that while the publicized word is that Snowden and the Ruskies have cut a deal to make the U.S. appear more than usually obtuse, behind the scenes the earlier mentioned real foreign affairs minister from Saint Lucia has convinced friends of the rogue American he knows the perfect hideout for Snowden.
Of course the hideout comes with an astronomical fee attached. Based on what I’ve received from particularly reliable sources, by which I mean the ten Facebook friends of the PM’s press secretary, Snowden may already be in Saint Lucia and all set to jump come Monday morning.
By all my well-informed sources tell me, Snowden may already also have landed a cushy consultancy position. You might ask: what kind of consultancy? In which case I’d have to respond with a question of my own: Since when did that matter? A consultant is a consultant is a consultant. But if you should hold a gun to my head, I would say the best hideout for Snowden might be a place people have no reason to visit. You know, like the national security desk at the prime minister’s office.
How much would it take to get the present near-invisible occupier of that desk to voluntarily disappear in favor of the wanted CIA man from NSA? Consider how valuable a naturalized Saint Lucian citizen Edward Snowden could turn out to be. With his wealth of secret information placed at our government’s disposal, we’d be in the strongest position to bargain with the richest of Arab nations, with that tight-fisted but loaded Obama, with Cameron and the rest of the other political millionaires. Dammit, even the Chinese might be inclined to offer our PM millions more than we ever got from Taiwan.
If Assange, who never worked a day for the CIA was able to cause such worldwide upheaval simply by leaking a few relatively unimportant State Department Cables, imagine how much we could make from promising to keep our mouths shut about what Snowden knows that we know that the Americans know that we know.
Imagine what Eddie could tell Kenny about Allen Chastanet’s plans, present and future. With Snowden working for him, how long would it take before our PM discovered the exact amounts paid into what accounts by a certain Taiwanese ambassador?
In no time at all, I imagine Edward Snowden could turn STEP, NICE, YEP, YUP into at Saint Lucian CIA. Ah, but best of all, the government would finally be in a position to confirm all that was said in 2011 about Richard Frederick’s diplomatic visa. Boy!
Enough to start Pussy Riot!