A free lesson to the boss courtesy his deputy!

Life has not always been kind to PJ. Political life, at any rate. But don’t go blaming his people. By which I refer to his constituents, who really are his neighbors. His extended family, you understand. To be absolutely nonpartisan, I can’t see much profit in pursuing a take-over of PJ’s backyard; unless the dreamer just happens to be a Grynberg clone with a forged license and hell-bent on exploring for grief.

Not even a resurrected Lansie, with Michael (no, not him; the one with St. before his name!) at his side, could keep the PJ dragons at bay. But then it’s only fair to say there was a time when Lansie also seemed immovable…until the second coming of PJ. So who the hell knows?

If only his adopted brothers-in-red would show more faith. You know, the not-so-diplomatic ones who are by now so hooked on expensive “lubricants of diplomatic intercourse” they hardly know where to stick their undiplomatic tongues.

If only they were a teeny bit more charitable. Where that lot is concerned, PJ was never cut out to be more than an impersonator; a stand-in seated near the salt, yes, but not head-table material. Otherwise, they say, PJ would’ve been PM a long time ago.

There’s nothing quite like missing the boat. PJ is just “too indecisive,” say those who claim to know him best. Too addicted to southern kissing, they chuckle. Too PJ for PJ’s own good. (Remember when the two letters referred to bedroom attire?)

The way his party brethren whisper it, PJ pretends to be color-blind when he’s cheek-to-jowl with certain people but no one knows better than PJ the difference between white and white. And it ain’t black, you check it!

The brethren also suspect that when PJ refers to Panipaniere as “the poster boy for the economic class,” when he drops his little hints about Panipaniere’s genetic make-up, he isn’t really talking about Panipaniere.

They say the economic class PJ has in mind are the beneficiaries of plantation slavery. And as Pat Brown has made quite clear, Panipaniere’s forbears never owned a single sugar plantation. His grandpappy was a mere M&C clerk. As for Panipaniere’s dad, for quite a long time he had been a stevedore; famous, yes, but still only a stevedore. And stevedores don’t own plantations, let alone slaves.

As for that “watch your back” warning to the once upon a time prime minister turned LOO turned who-knows-what-else, PJ’s brothers-in-red seriously believe it’s their own Caesar who should be protecting his fat backside from blackguards with concealed Brutus weapons.

Years of rehearsals have turned PJ into a master role player and the role he plays best is that of PM, a matter of growing concern to his nervous brothers-in-red.

Here is a guy, they say, who looks like a peacock, struts like a peacock, even cluck-clucks like a peacock but is actually just another pretend cock of the walk. Which is why I figure his latest press release is unlikely to do poor PJ much good.

I mean, what could’ve made him issue that public statement on Wednesday, while the real PM and his hambassador were in Lornedon living high on Jamaican hog and ackees? What was PJ thinking when he declared himself “willing to listen and take action where necessary to end any issue of national importance?”

Action? Where necessary? Issues of national importance? WDF!!

Sounds like the real thing, doesn’t it? But then let’s not forget he’s been practicing for years in his bathroom mirror. PJ can talk like a PM. PJ can walk like a PM. There’s just one small problem yet to be overcome and it concerns that famous Looshan love affair with whitewashed PMs.

But returning to Wednesday’s declaration: is there anyone in all of Saint Lucia who doesn’t already know that when it comes to solving national problems of importance PJ knows best?

Everybody knows PJ could take care of all the problems the PM created all by himself, without the knowledge of his Cabinet or the governor general.

All PJ asks is that all the broke businesspeople and all the broke unemployed youth let him know how broke and unemployed we really are. Simple, right? But that’s PJ for you: never complicated, not all that consistent, maybe. But let no one suggest PJ has ever been anything but simple!

I especially loved this part of his release: “The usual protocols that are very familiar to national organizations and associations apply . . . Therefore, it should be accepted and understood” that in his favorite role of prime minister he is “in a position to respond to any national issue.”

Hopefully, Mary Isaac, the TUF crew, the depressed nurses, Jack Grynberg and the rest of the complainers got the memo. As I write, look it! The word is that the fired-up firemen have cooled down following a few soothing words with PJ. Let the red herrings think about that!

In the meantime I think I’ll go look up the word “respond.”

                                                                                                                                                            —Rick Wayne