BEWARE: When The Jade Prays, God listens!

The word “trough,” believe it or not, carries several meanings, depending on whether used in the context of oceanography, economics, medicine, geology and so on. Once upon a time, when the word proceeded from the amplified mouth of Ms Dawn French, Saint Lucians imagined it meant rain was on the way but not in such amounts as to be problematic.

The T-word then had the power to render abruptly deaf those who heard it. I need add that on at least one occasion when the population, conceivably for its own best interest, claimed it had not heard from Ms French about a particular “elongated region of relatively low atmospheric pressure associated with a front,” at least three paid the supreme price.

Which might explain why, by the time the sun set on the particular disaster, Dawn had been relocated close enough to the prime minister’s office to permit their olfactory receptors full access to each other’s body perfumes—while she keeps a keen eye on matters trough-related.

Remarkably, the prime minister’s ostensible prime lady appeared to have little use for the trough word in her on-the-minute feuilletons to the nation last Saturday, the first of which announced the postponement of the second round of a much- anticipated debate—“due to the inclement weather.”

Participants in the Saturday morning event were expected to engage the following proposition:”The Western world has moved to embrace the LGBT community; the church should do the same by providing equal opportunities and access to all activities.”

The Jade’s follow-up reassuring message to Saint Lucians was that our government “continues to monitor weather conditions.”

Like the efficient prime minister’s press secretary we all know her to be, The Jade supplied impressive details of the monitoring process. For instance: “The ministry of infrastructure response teams have been mobilized and are attending to some areas as we speak.

“Updates continue to poor in from . . .” Hey, we know The Jade knows the proper spelling; but you gotta admit what followed “poor” made the typo especially interesting:“Updates continue to poor in from communities across the island.The diversion near the ALBA Bridge in Grande Riviere, Dennery, is under water and has brought traffic to a halt. [Presumably, she referred only to vehicular traffic, not the kind involving motorized canoes!]

“There is no debris in that area and the advice from the technicians is that we wait till the water subsides. . . An electricity pole has halted traffic through Barre d’Lisle, LUCELEC on the scene. There is also a team from the Ministry of Infrastructure attending to a tree . . . The ministry has advised that a response team has been deployed to deal with the debris at Choc . . .”

On top of her other talents too numerous to mention, it turns out The Jade is also ubiquitous. I, for one, couldn’t help wondering how the lady found the time to stay in touch with our various disasters, not to say our disaster-response crews, island-wide. (Where were the geniuses of the legendary Vision Commission? For crying out loud, where was Mr. Global Warming?)

In any case I can validate The Jade’s reports on the debris-clearing activities at the over-sensitive Choc Bridge. I actually took pictures as Philip J. Pierre’s brave and courageous and award-deserving crews went about the dangerous business of keeping the nation safe from harm; from drowning last Saturday, at any rate.

The Jade even passed on information about the flooded sections of Castries (duh!). Best of all, she stayed with doubtless concerned Saint Lucia until she was able to deliver good news relating to Barre d’Lisle and “the major roadways connecting the north and south of Saint Lucia.” (You should be careful about such hyperbolic adjectives, darling. Major?)

Before signing off on the weather (doubtless in pursuit of another disaster!), The Jade declared herself “proud of our deputy prime minister and Minister for Infrastructure, Port Services and Transport, Honorable Philip J. Pierre and his team. Even before any reports were made, they mobilized to minimize response time. The constant updates helped calm the public and provided guidance to those who were on the road.”

Now you gotta admit that’s good: “Mobilized to Minimize!” Not even “lubricants for diplomatic intercourse” comes close. What’s more, the phrase suggests who might be the red lipstick behind those unending SLP slogans at UWP expense!

No discriminator is The Jade. An equal-opportunity ass-slapper is she. Also coming in for her special praise were the several response teams that had given yeoman service regardless of “inclement weather.”

“Most importantly,” The Jade thanked God “for sparing Saint Lucia any loss of life or major damage to property.” She offered thanks also to the Lord for “protecting us all and for guiding those who responded during the torrential rain.”

Conceivably, the God to whom she gave thanks on behalf of this sin-soaked Rock of Sages does not reside anywhere close to Cul-de-Sac!

Finally, let no one ever again suggest The Jade knows not her place. Not once did she utter the T-word—which is where we came in, remember?

By the way, my trusty dictionary tells me: “If it’s raining extremely hard, then the rain is torrential; it is absolutely pouring. Use torrential to describe something that is happening in torrents, or turbulent flowing streams.” Not trough!

Which takes me back to my Saturday morning tour of the north where, as my pictures prove, there were turbulent streams all over the place, streams unable to flow except across roads, because of barely discernible useless drains.

Some were clogged with garbage; many with thriving vegetation. I found myself asking myself: For what the hell have we been paying those STEP consultants and their brave and courageous grass cutters?

To STEP on our dead brains?

                                                                                                                                                     —Rick Wayne