Values versus Feelings

Last week we touched on the topic of successful women having difficulty finding partners. It seemed only fitting to follow up with another issue women face in terms of relationships. That is, learning how to choose your worth over your feelings. There are many of us in relationships where we feel unhappy, unappreciated and unworthy. We know that we need to let go but the action does not come as easy as the thought. In such situations we are constantly treated unfairly but accept it even if when we know we deserve better. We get caught up in it, over-analyze and make convenient excuses. But how would you know if you are in one of these situations?  

Are you dating a guy who never finds time, or sets plans only when it is totally convenient for him? Is he making excuses instead of making time and never going out of his way to see you? A guy who likes you and wants to build something will make the extra effort to demonstrate you are special to him. Actions speak louder than words. He can say what he wants but if he isn’t willing to put in effort, something is wrong. In relationships we communicate simultaneously. What we say and do convey the same message. When that’s not the case, there is a problem. You can learn more about how a person feels by observing them and if you are constantly unhappy because you feel you are not getting the time and attention you need, then maybe it’s time to consider cutting your losses. It won’t be easy but it is necessary. How would I know? Well, I’ve been there. In the end you’ll be grateful you moved on.

If you are dating a person who is super busy with work, career or commitments and does not make you a priority, understand that it isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. When someone is super focused on a goal, they tend to be afraid that you may derail or slow them down. They may not be interested in the type of relationship that you are looking for. While an ambitious, goal driven person is great, that doesn’t mean that person is right for you. If you like or are dating a man who is unavailable or otherwise, you are putting yourself at risk of being used or hurt because a relationship might not be what he wants. Unless you are just as busy and there is a mutual understanding between you two as to meeting dates, talk times etc., that relationship most likely will not work out. Respect that this person is self- developing and move on.

Then we have a situation where he tells you he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. This is a common excuse used by both men and women who are just not into you or maybe afraid to commit because they are afraid of being hurt. There is nothing wrong with being guarded and careful about entering a new commitment, however if someone finds a partner that they have truly felt connected to and value, these insecurities will mean nothing. They pretty much disappear. In other words, if that person really likes you, then they would be willing to work on their insecurities just to be with you. Whatever fear they have of commitment won’t come close to the fear of losing someone they love. Avoid making excuses and fooling yourself into believing that you can wait it out and that he will eventually change his mind. That is too much energy wasted and that will most likely end with you getting hurt. Move on and find someone on the same page with you.

Ok, so you now know the signs, you see the red flags, Now what? What most of us, women, do, is ignore the signs and figure the guy will eventually fall for us and want to be committed. For some reason, when a guy shows that he isn’t interested in the type of relationship we want, some of us become more determined in pursuing him. It’s like we want this person more because of the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship with us. But why? Why would you refuse to accept the fact that it just won’t work out for you and that person. I’ll tell you. This behaviour occurs when we personalize rejections so much that we attach our self worth and value to it. Therefore, if someone we are into does not share those feelings, we translate that as something being wrong with us and start saying things like: Why am I not good enough? Why do I keep messing things up? Or: What’s wrong with me? I’m not worthy of love.

When you do that you give away all your power and rely on someone else’s validation to decide if you are good enough. Grab that power and trust that it isn’t meant to be and it is for your own good. Basing your worth on someone else’s opinion of you will always create emotional suffering. To conclude, my advice is to focus on you, develop yourself in any way possible. That way when you do find that special person, you will be able to say Hey, I’m bringing this to the table, what about you? No one who loves you will disrespect you or intentionally hurt you. Keep that in mind.