All You Need To Know about FIMS!

[dropcap]M[/dropcap]ention foot-in-mouth at your favorite watering hole and chances are your fellow inebriates will mishear and confuse what you actually said with mad cow disease. Hey, weirder things have happened, especially on Facebook. Then again, I’ve long suspected most of the rat droppings posted there came out of a bottle of cheap supermarket wine taken with countless glasses of Rhum Blanc. On the other hand, some respected authorities talk of foot-in-mouth as if it were

in the same genre as mad cow disease—except that the first mentioned afflicts a peculiar species of nom sans gwen, as George Odlum used to say, before he too lost his manhood and regrettably settled for establishment politics. But let me not get started on that particular sob story. It must also be noted that foot-in-mouth is a posture that comes naturally to newborn babies, whose bones and ligaments are so elastic as to allow them to assume postures even the most adventurous he-men would not dream of trying themselves. Oh, but bet your bottom that’s precisely what they expect from their ladies—without permitting them even a few minutes to, er, warm-up. In their booze-fueled fantasies, some guys would like nothing better than to insert in their partner’s facial orifice not only their own unmanicured toes but also other male bodyparts equally distasteful. En garde, cherished sisters, when all of a sudden your drunken partner starts to whisper sweet baby talk in your sleepy ear. What he has in mind could send you to the emergency ward with a busted back!

Luckily, most people when they talk about foot-in-mouth are really speaking metaphorically. As earlier stated, few guys more than three months old are flexible enough to touch their toes, let alone shove their foot into their cake holes. To say a man tends to put his foot in his mouth whenever he opens it is just a subtle way of saying he has a propensity for misspeaking; getting his facts wrong; researching in all the wrong places—or for flat out lying with intent. And now you are fully acquainted with the several strains of foot-in-mouth, decide for yourself what was that scoop about the British government having decided a certain native gentleman was not nearly as fit as Gilbert Chagoury—or the bedridden Walid Juffali—to head the Saint Lucian Embassy in London. In other words, pilgrim, do your own additional research on Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome (FIMS). Warning: Don’t waste time looking up SLAP or CAP!